LundenTown

8/4/14
I don't know how I'm still alive, sometimes. I've ruined my life like three times and I keep getting chances to start over. Some days I'm like, can I come back? I swear I have nine lives.

Fresh out of meditation in half lotus pose, I have come to the realization:

I am the product of several sociopaths. I am grateful for my interactions with them. They have caused me to:

Seek peace in all things.
Live without apology.
Go within, OFTEN!
Know without a shadow of a doubt the extent God will go to protect me.
Watch out for the agenda; there is always an agenda.
Not internalize rejection and failure.
Develop the mantra: Your problem, not mine (As it relates to people's projections)
Respect the process.
Say NO more readily.
Be a little selfish and focus on me, for a change.
Be strong in my convictions.
Cut toxic people off more quickly.
Appreciate family and friends.
Value patience.
Exhibit kindness.
Understand that some people are just sick
Notice when I am being taken advantage of.
Listen to my own voice, cause that is where God was the whole time!
Not argue with people, especially those who are always right.
Smile and nod, amused.
Not jump to match a false sense of urgency.
Take my time and do it right.
Realize that people tend to lie, even unnecessarily.
Understand that some things are just none of my business.
Hold on to people who value the authentic me and make no attempts to manipulate.
Love people even harder than before, because they need it.

So, thank you!

Sometimes you have to take a step back and realize that at this very moment all your needs are being met. That is what I have concluded, as I sit at this Starbucks with a peppermint hot chocolate. I ruined my draft of this, so I guess I must retype.

I find myself constantly taking inventory of the things I need. She has rainboots; I need those. He has a Macbook; I want that. The reality: I have everything that is essential for me to function. So much so that no one knows that I long to dress up for work, wake up at a decent hour, drive to my parking garage, take the elevator to the top, close the door to my office, meditate and start my over-productive day. I want to take a zumba class after work and hop in the shower before I make dinner for my family. I want them to greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me about their day. I want to pray with my children before they go to sleep and make love to my husband until we pass out in our California king bed, with our bodies entwined after saying our I love yous. 

As beautiful as the fantasy is, I know where I am and that I am headed there. I have been writing in my thank you journal daily. All my basic needs are met. I have food, shelter, water and love. I have work and transportation, I have friendship and family. There have been goals set to enhance those things but for now I will say: Thank You Lord. Many people are missing at least one of the things I have. It's a trap to worry about the job, the car, the kids, the man. I have to learn to trust God to work all the kinks out. He has NEVER let me down, even when I tested his grace.


For the rest of my life I will make more of an effort to listen to God. I will make time for him. Then, I wont feel so lost about the next move. He will tell me himself.

I don't want to be famous. I want to be powerful. This is the start of my rise to POWER. I feel it now. I wont buckle or be side-tracked this time. Let's get it.

Cried my eyes out when I heard her say this. It helps me understand that failing over and over again only gets me closer to getting it right. If you fail, just get back up and try again. I get so mad at myself when things don't go the way I saw it in my head but the next time might be the right one.

My old job didn't work out the way I planned but I loved what I did and I gave it my all.

My 1st marriage didn't work out the way I planned but I was in it to win it and I've never loved so hard in my life.

Graphic design didn't go as planned but I can always find my niche in my field at any time.

I took a break from life after failing so much. I was so disappointed in all my trials and errors. After this quote, I am READY to potentially fail again. Let's fall in love. Let's work on weight. Let's take on a new career and business. Let's fail and take risks like we used to, Lunden. Go hard!

#LEGGO

What an eventful day, right? Hot yoga was an excellent way to steer my year in the right direction. New challenge. New Energy. Healthy Practice.

I felt so zen after the workout. Despite having seen Selma directly after, I still feel the high. Also, my body feels better than it did after a massage. I don't need a massage to feel less tense. I just need to do yoga! Just got one of my mats from Connie. It's super old but it will do for now.

Money has been flowing to me freely and effortlessly at time where I am usually flat broke. I'm excited to see my finances get back in shape. Can't wait till I get a new job. Something will open up this year, sooner than later. I'm speaking everything into existence.

This year, like hot yoga, I want to do more cool ass shit. What other out the box things can we find to do?

EXCITED!!! Let's go 2015! 

Any BODY can do yoga! (I love this photo, usually the only yoga photos are of thin people which stereotypes yoga. This should never be the situation. Yoga is for EVERYONE!)

(2/5/15)
Some people are calling Mary Jane's pursuit of a man pathetic. And, if you look closely, I can see why. Although I cried on this episode, it is hard to watch her be so obsessed. Are we really like that? She sat at work on auto-pilot thinking of him. She butt-dialed him drunk. She harassed all their mutual friends and got irate with her projection.

Why do we fall into the trap that by a certain age we should be married with kids? While I feel like I should pop one out by 33, I also wouldn't mind dating until 73 and getting married in the south of France like Tina Turner. In reality, her lifestyle isn't conducive to starting a family. David knows this. Hell, she dumped him for CNN!

I don't think she is pathetic for chasing the dream because when you are ready for love, you gotta go at it. However, it doesn't match her powerhouse personality to seem so needy. I would have more respect for her if she didn't try so hard. You're a man's dream, but no one wants a girl that clingy. That shit gets old real fast and they lose attraction. I know I lose attraction when men are all up under me. Where you going? What you doing? Uggh!

I just think she shouldn't try so hard. Put it out there that you're ready for love and let them come to you. Yes, there will be a few more rejects coming your way than you'd like but damn MJ, relax! I say, enjoy being single while you can. Guys love girls that love themselves. It gets lonely sometimes but you shouldn't give up all your standards just to cuddle. That too will pass.

She made a good point: archival penis can be tricky on the heart. That nipped my feelings for THE SOLDIER in the bud. I kept mulling over whether or not I should go back there and try again. Nope. He is the past and that is where the past belongs. It's never a good idea to go backwards. I know what I'm looking for and underneath all our romance are a ton of compromises I would be making. The stakes are too high to play with my heart. It's time to get to know a few new people. well, next year. It's time to get to know me.

Granted, Mary Jane may already know herself. Her life may be complete and all she needs is a family. But you can't go around judging everyone else's lifestyles and throwing shade. It seems like jealousy fuels her pursuit and not love. Nonetheless, the episode was very deep and very real. I just want to see her more powerful and less on the pathetic side.

(2/13/15)
Maybe its the cold weather but I'm feeling like a hot mess
Just not feeling all that and a bag of chips like I normally do.
Today, I realized I've been outta work for a year.
I've been slippin on my pimpin.
I decided it's because I get sidetracked with men.
I keep jumping off that love bridge and I'm mad at myself.
Usually, being mad at myself yields good results
Thinking about how I managed to get myself out of some deep shit.
Did some things no one can prepare you for.
Like a divorce without a lawyer.
Like a move from Chicago to Texas and back.
Like freelance to salary to hourly.
Blah Blah Blah..
Point is, I'm proven capable and it's time for a new accomplishment
I feel trapped inside my mind sometimes.
Chicago is a set up where only hustlers survive this big city
I feel like everyone has money making tips for me that I foresee going downhill
I gotta find my way and I have to find it fast
All of my goals are dependent upon me finding a new job.
Must stay focused and become a little more work and less play for a minute.
So, I'm sitting here on a Friday night hiding from friends and love interests.
Sending out resumes.
FISHING!

So, I'm gonna stop talking about a man because I am not Mary Jane and I'm in the clear, for now. That part of my life is kinda on auto pilot. I didn't ask for this romance, but it's going just the way I prefer it.

The real work is on building my brand! For the first time in a while, I'm not apprehensive about the uncertainty of life. I'm finally embracing the way my life unfolds. Time to walk in the direction life gives me. I spent yesterday evening recharging my batteries and preparing for this impending breakthrough.

I'm learning to not place value on how others feel my life should go. Not even my opinions on it. I've been completely wrong in some of my planning processes. My path was predestined before I was born and I just have to fall in alignment. I can always feel when I veer off the path, just as I am able to feel when I am back on track. Like I bike that's been fixed after the chain slipped, I'm ready to ride again.


Feels great to be on the verge of a breakthrough. Meditation is key. Watching my words is dire. Positive energy is a must at all times. During this time, I cannot afford to argue with anyone. I cannot get involved with anything that is none of my business. I cannot waste a single second on anything negative. This is a very sensitive moment in time. If I do this right, I will reap serious benefits. If I do it wrong, I've got another reset button to hit.

And, since I'm so over making comebacks, I am determined this is the last comeback I'm going to make. Something POWERFUL is about to happen professionally, spiritually, emotionally, and metaphysically. The only thing to do now is embrace it and listen to God. I'm ready.

I made it to the peace chain.
I lay the clothes out on an old towel.
A lady comes and grabs half of it.
I stand with my honk for peace sign.
The wind is blowing ferociously.
Nevertheless, the honks were rolling in.
Then, a man appears in front of me.
He holds a Styrofoam board with sketches on it.
He says, "Here, so your sign doesn't blow away."
The drawings are beautiful egyptian motifs.
I say, "This is amazing, you did this?"
"It's nothing", he says.
I look closer at him and he is handsome.
Looks just like Bob Marley.
He is my height. He has a jamaican accent.
He has on a red, green and black beanie over his locs.
He smells like Africa. And, he is smiling sweetly.
You'd have thought I dreamed him up.
He says, "I am there." and he points up
I look confused.
He says, "Do you hear the music?"
And then, I tune in to reggae music coming from above my head.
He points to his window and says, "the one with the flower."
I then notice the silk flower on the window sill.
He tapes my sign to his foam board.
I tell him to come stand with me sometime, brother.
He replies, "One Love"  with a nod and a smile and disappears.
The rest of the hour I stand with a more sturdy board.
And I thank god for sending the man.
I begin to cry when I realize there is someone watching over me.
God didn't have to do that.
It was clearly a metaphor.
Where did this angel come from?
Why now?
I hop on the bus and head home.
Feeling like I did my job for the day.
The community responded with love.
And I know I was in the right place at the right time.
Next week's theme will be food donations.
I'm so ready to do this.
So grateful to be a blessing.

 This pinterest article: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/494199759087722403/
really helped me get in the mind of my man. Most of the things sounded like something Cam would say. So, I will try to :

Remember He Loves Me A Lot More Than He Says (His Granny Told me So)

Remember Sex is a HUGE Deal to a Man (I Have the Bruises to Prove It!)

Know that He thinks I'm Beautiful All the Time (He always answers the phone with "Hey Beautiful")

Remember He is Trying (He Does a Good Job Correcting Mistakes Right Away and Rarely Repeats)

Remember Hints Don't Work (I'm Such A Hinter! He hates it!)

Remember to Put Him First (It's A Tough One Cause He is Terrible at Prioritizing me)

Remember to Appreciate Him (I've noticed when I give vocal appreciation, he responds lovingly)

Keep in Mind that Positivity is Attractive ( I remember him saying that he was attracted to my bubbly personality)

Watch My Words (I have the Power to Build My Man Up and Break him down. He always uses kind words when talking to me. I should take note that he must be sensitive too)

Leave Him ALONE! (He Needs Me Not to Nag. Happy Wife/Happy Life works both ways

TRY HIS HOBBIES! (So, I guess I gotta sit around with the fam and make nice with the dogs?)

We shall see how this goes! Good luck, girl!

Yesterday, I saw Janelle Monae and Jidenna in a secret concert and was blown away. I got the news while at work and hopped my ass on the blue line and stood in line for four hours to see her for free. First off, I had no idea she spent her whole day hosting a peace rally in Millennium Park with Sandra Bland's mother, before the concert. She created a new song to be chanted at rallies. It's called Hell You TalmBout. And she screams Sandra Bland's name in part of the song. She ended her concert with the song too! We all left the venue singing it on our way down the stairs as if it were a negro spiritual. I was in tears! I love her SO MUCH! My fan status just went up because she is so much who I aim to be in life. Her hair. Her clothes. Her music. I'm inspired. I watch her stand backstage (cause I was so close to her!) and was impressed how she sat like a proud momma as the artist's on her Wondaland record label performed.


She sang all their songs and gave them their own stage time. They all got to do like 4 songs a piece. Each artist is similar but different. Of course, you know Jidenna. I could see his sock last night! His new music is amazing and he is a great rapper. He just knows how to sing so he uses his vocal ability to crossover but he really isn't a singer. Then, you have Roman. He is on the left and plays the base guitar. He is the rock and roll reincarnation of James Brown and Jimmy Hendrix. The two girls are a band called St. Beauty. One sings and plays the tambourine. The other sings and plays base guitar. Their songs sound like you're on a relaxing island. Have no one too compare them to. Very seventies kinda vibe. Then the two on the right are in a band called Deep Cotton. They have been with Janelle since the 90s and played the background for her until now. Nate Wonder is the sexy man with locs! Chuck Lightning jumps around like a crazy man on stage with his frohawk!


I'm beyond impressed with how this record label has taken to black issues. She also gave a speech about how she uses her fame to put food on the table for her artists and to end police brutality. So happy to have chosen the perfect celebrity mentor!

 These messages really resonate with me. More and more this fall I have been aware of what is truly important. It's really time to start investing in myself. Learning the value of minding my own business has been powerful. Taking care of me professionally and staying out of everyone's personal stuff is critical to my development. It's time to really stay quiet and remain observant. I'm looking for leaders and every opportunity to groom myself. Playtime is over!







1 – You are stronger, more creative and more capable than you realize. Smarter, too.
2 – Hard work will never go out of style and ultimately, never let you down.
3 – Love who loves you. Surround yourself with people who support you, believe in you, and encourage you to be great.
4 – Content will always be king, and consistence is crucial.
5 – Be genuine. Know yourself. Life is too short to pretend to be anything you’re not.
6 – Self care is essential and should be intentional. You have to take care of yourself before you can truly, effectively take care of business.
7 – Recognize the value of your work, but operate from a center of integrity. Your values and your moral compass are priceless.
8 – Develop your own voice, find pride in originality. Comparing and copying will only hold you back from actualizing your true greatness.
9 – Love learning. Never stop learning. Don’t be afraid to learn new things. Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t know everything.
10 – You have the power to change your own life. The first step? Get out of your own way.

10 Realizations I’ve Had About Being In Your 30’s
1 – Everything you’ve experienced has made you who you are today. All of the past hurts and friends you’ve lost and mistakes you’ve made. You can either let those past mistakes be a burden, or you can learn and grow from them. Choose the latter. It will set you free.
2 – If you were one of those people who had a mental checklist of things you needed to accomplish by 30…you may find that you haven’t yet accomplished them. It’s up to you to be OK with that. If you’re finding yourself approaching 30 or in your 30’s with dreams deferred, you probably know what you need to do to achieve them. You can either work towards making them happen, or continue to let them gather dust. Life circumstances can prevent you from doing things your heart has been set upon. Being an adult means dealing with that, but not letting those circumstances paralyze you into permanent inaction.
3 – You have to find your identity and find your own happiness. I hear so many people say turning 30 was a turning point, where they finally knew and came to terms with who they were. Some people figure that out earlier than others, but by your thirties the Jell-O mold that is your personality should have pretty much set.
4 – Just by making it to age 30, you’ve outlived some incredibly famous people, including Aaliyah, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Heath Ledger, Tupac, Biggie, Amy Winehouse, Garnett Silk and Otis Redding. If you make it to 35, think of who you’ve outlived – Donnie Hathaway, Sam Cooke, Chris Farley, Bruce Lee. Marilyn Monroe and Bob Marley only made it to age 36. Look at what they accomplished in their brief lifetimes. Now you’ve lived that long and then some. Thinking about that lets me know how much life you can live in a short time. It reminds me that I’ve got further to go and more of an impact to make. Just kinda puts it in perspective, kinda.
5 – Your concept of “old” needs to change. Remember when 30 seemed so old? And now here you are.Guess what? 40 isn’t old either, and it’ll come up on you faster than you realize. Nothing to be scared of. Just something to prepare for.
6 –  By now you know what you should be doing to take care of your health. You’ll notice, things change. Things you used to be able to take for granted, you can’t anymore. You don’t lose weight as easily. Your skin may need more attention. When you get sick you don’t bounce back from it right away the way you used to. You find that you really do need to eat better, drink more water, and exercise regularly. Whether or not you’re actually doing these things, is another question.
7 – Being in your thirties means less time to care about things that might have really gotten under your skin in the past. That petty friend who said that mean thing, that stupid guy who didn’t call you back – what used to be a grievous wound of the heart is now like you skinned your knee or got a mosquito bite. You heal quicker. You’ll find that you have less time for drama and less inclination for heartbreak. Time and experience toughens you up.
8 – You start realizing life is too short to be left with regrets. You start living life on your own terms, and taking action to achieve your goals. You can see the sand trickling through the hourglass and you get that someday, there won’t be as much sand. You realize now is the time to plan for your future and get off your butt. Things that seemed really far away – like retirement – are closer than you realize, and now’s the time to prepare for all of that.
9 – You have a greater perspective on the circle of life. In this window of my life, my friends are getting married, becoming parents, becoming first time home owners – all great things! And there are people I know who are dealing with medical issues of their own, or of their kids, or of their parents. This is a time when you find yourself dealing with life’s ebbs and flows, losses and gains. The need for maturity hits you when you least expect it.
10 – When you weren’t looking or paying attention, you became an adult who is more capable, wise and ready for the world than you may give yourself credit for. You’ve come a long way, and you’ve got further to go!

As you may have learned, I'm all about the DIY! I've wasted money in the past on fancy gym memberships and I'm no longer interested in hustling backwards. I lost a ton of weight one year just by changing some eating habits and working out about 20 mins. a day with the help of YouTube and my Spotify playlists! 



 Here are a bunch of people I follow on instagram for every time I want to stop, drop and cardio!
Who are your fave online fitness gurus? 



 
Keaira Lashae @keairalashae

 
Mankofit (@massy.arias)


Nic B @getfitwithnic

  
@squatvideos

I've gone back and forth on regimens throughout my 8-year natural hair journey. Right now, it is shoulder length and free of chemicals. I keep heat away from my hair for 6 months out of the year. The other half of the year (colder months), I straighten it from time to time. I usually have to cut off some heat damage, leaving my hair always around the same length.

I've come to notice my growth spurts occur when I am eating clean and washing my hair with mud. Thus, I have gone back to mud-washing. More on that later. I also use organic apple cider vinegar when I wash. I co-wash my hair with conditioner on the weeks that I do not mud-wash. I also deep condition every week that I remember my hair. I make my own oil mixtures for deep conditioning and styling. I try to use best practices for detangling and sleeping. I wish I took care of everything else in my life, the way I take care of my hair!  Working on it!


Here are a bunch of pics of my best hair days!

Been searching around my desk for my journal. Can't find it and I need it. Reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. She is the CCO of Facebook. I'm reading an anecdote about a girl who grew up poor with little sense of hope in an urban area and how she became the first to go to college in her family. She studied policy and learn about the systems of oppression in this country. I resonated with her feelings that people love to list the problems but rarely take action toward solution. Like her, I want to be that change. I'm not ready to start a whole non-profit. I fear that will actually be too concentrated to one area. I'd like to volunteer with different organizations all around the globe. I really feel like I waste my free time. I want to spend it doing something meaningful. Not lucrative, just meaningful.

I also resonated with another story told in the book by Rachel Simmons. She was a Rhodes scholar who was praised all her life by how smart she was. She disgraced the country and Ivy league school by dropping out of the program in Oxford. She said all her life she kept doing what was expected of her but never listened to the inner voice telling her what she did and did not want to do.

As women, we are trained to always appear academically successful, well-rounded and attractive. We should aim to please everyone and be everyone's friend. But what if I don't want to be any of those things? Stop telling me to be sugar and spice and everything nice!

Literally, movement is happening! Moving to a new home. Moving to new jobs. Moving into a new career path. I guess I'll tackle each thing one by one.

Moving day is fast approaching and it feels like there isn't enough time in a day. Part of me hopes my store hires some new people to make room for a crazy packed schedule.To our surprise, we had a smooth sailing through our credit check situation and landed a place for 250 less than we budgeted. It may be on the South Side, but it has updated kitchen appliances, cabinets, bathrooms and an exposed brick wall. I'm a huge fan. Connie gets the bigger room so I'm not paying as much. Chloe gets her own room. We plan to build, invest, and create media content.

I don't think I've felt a grind this heavy in a long time. Insulted by uncle, I reflect on my reason for taking on so many jobs. "Three jobs!", he cried. "Why do you need three jobs if you have a degree?" BECAUSE I CAN, SIR! Mostly, I did it just to prove that I can go from no job to 3 jobs. Just to prove I have work ethic. Just to prove I don't have to ask anyone for a dime. I can build my credit score, my savings account an pay my bills on my own. DO I ASK ANYONE FOR MONEY, EVER? NOPE. So leave me alone, you blithering buffoon!

Now that I got my rant out and I'm proud to not have resorted to Facebook or Twitter, I feel infinitely better. Circling back to my goals, I am finally ready to investigate a Masters program. The requirements are daunting but I know I am smart and capable. Looks like I will be taking on the College Development MA/ED.  I would like to work in student affairs, residence life, or in a charter school as their Mrs. Rita Pinkard. If I take 2 extra classes, I qualify to take the LPC exam and get the clinical licensing. Hopefully, I can do this slowly and easily. We gone see.

God has been very good to me and I shall take it one day at a time!

Been passing around my daily affirmations and getting some feedback about what my friends are going through. Their trials remind me of what I have overcome and how I choose to live my life.I spend a lot of effort on self-care to ward off the noise that threatens to ruin me. The constant wonder what a fool people must think I am for the mistakes I make is something I fight daily. Then, I remind myself I am a queen and I've always been good at a comeback.

Myleik says to celebrate the failure. Celebrate the fact that you've tried. Celebrate the fact that you haven't lost your mind.

It's time to spend time networking and making moves while I'm childless. Children are not a goal right now. Building a personal brand is. What does that look like?