LundenTown

                               
Today, I deactivated my Facebook. Most can agree that this is a huge feat in this day and age. I have just completed Shonda Rhimes' new book, Year Yes, in which she details an 18 month period where she says YES! to everything that scares her. She was an introvert who wrapped herself in work and family and made no time for a social life. She never said YES! to anything.

I, on the other hand, tend to say yes to everything. Even the things I cannot do. I always make a way to please everyone. To go to everyone's birthday parties, baby showers, weddings. Some have decided this is an honor bestowed upon me. Lucky you, everybody likes you! So, I plaster a smile on my face and pose for the cameras.

No.

It is time for a Year of No for me. No, is a complete sentence. No is less expensive than yes. It doesn't take a miracle to pull no off. It's just less polite than yes. It's an asshole move, really. You see, I will have to turn down all these invitations to the things I do not want to do and risk hurting some feelings. People do not like it when you take control of your life. When you decide you don't need their validation. It's unnerving. How dare I reject this codependent behavior.

I don't want to celebrate my own self. Not my birthday, not a job, a baby, a wedding, not my funeral. So, what makes you think I want to celebrate you? I just want to got to work and go home. So, if you want access to me. Call me on my cell phone. Make my hotline bling. But don't make me have to put on clothes and leave the house.

I'm have a kind of quarter-life panic attack of sorts. I desperately want more access to things that cost a little more. This means I have to make more money. This means I have to apply to get a better job. This means I have to face the fear that I am not good enough to qualify for the job that pays more. Now, how can I do that if I am out drinking and partying with you? Shonda was all work and no play. I fear that I am all play and no work. Just pictures of "good times' on Facebook and the Gram.

Always, I find myself supporting someone's dream besides my own. I live paycheck to paycheck to afford to buy gifts, serve in the community, take a friend to dinner. I AM DONE SON!

The only person that I have to care for is me. The only person that will take care of me is me. If I don't get this shit in check, my kids will be screwed. I need room to grind. And, it starts with saying  NO!
Hell to the NO!
No thank You!
No Please.
No I am unable to do that.
NO!